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It’s been a long time… an atheist’s thoughts on death.

Posted in life, religion with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 31, 2009 by angrygirl

How to explain my absence in a few fragments…

I got a huge design contract which kept me busy up until last month. But just before New Year’s…

My father died.

I know I’ll never be the same. I’m sure that joy will be able to break through my sorrow eventually, but for now…

See, this is where I envy the religious. For them, it’s not over. For them, there’s this great big reunion and everything is made right in the end. But that’s just not how things work. Believe me, if there was ever a time that I wished heaven existed, it would be now.

But even in my lowest lows, I just can’t force myself to believe. Never could. Look, I didn’t choose to be an atheist, I was simply born this way. This isn’t some attention thing, or some type of rebelling, I’m just being honest with myself. I’m not saying that theists are not being honest with themselves, what’s true to one, is not necessarily true to another. What I mean is that you either believe or you don’t. You can lie and say you believe all you want, but if you doubt it, I’m sorry brother, but you’re one of us then.

I came across a people magazine article yesterday quoting Denzel Washington on John Travolta. Travolta’s son died around the same time my father did and it made me feel better knowing that someone else was still struggling with a loved one’s death. Perhaps I had been too hard on myself? Or I have a selfish bitch of an ex-friend that thought her wedding engagement is more important than my father having died, literally hours before… but that’s another story and I digress.

Anyhow, this is what struck me though. Like, why do theists get upset over death if they believe in places like heaven? I understand the shock thing, but its not final for them. For me, one of the most difficult things to accept is that I will never see my father again. I will never talk to him again, we’ll never watch The McLaughlin Group together again, he’ll never get to walk me down the aisle… he can’t peak down from heaven to check up on me either. He’s dead. And that’s it. But theists… they have heaven. They have gods and all sorts of fun stuff. They have the grand reunion. Ultimate closure.

I don’t understand how death could be so upsetting to them. I’m not trying to be a dick, I just honestly don’t understand. It’s only a temporary thing from that frame of mind, right? If it’s temporary, then there’s still something left. There’s still something there. I swear I’m not mocking! Damn, I would be so grateful if that actually was the case. I would even be happy for the lucky guy that gets to escape this strange state of existence we call “life”. Whatever that means…

All I know, is that we are so so small. Watch Carl Sagan’s Cosmos. We are really small. And we’re only here for such a small amount of time. Life, as we know it, has only existed during the last slice of history. We are barely a blip in the entirety of the cosmos.

The universe is so massive, we really do appear insignificant. But at least we’re a part of it. I know that my molecular material is the same stuff that makes stars. And that goes for everyone here. Even assholes like Rush Limbaugh and Dick Chen have the same elemental make-up.

I suppose that’s comforting… somehow? Maybe i’d feel warmer and fuzzier if I didn’t have a mental image of Limbaugh…

meh,

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goodbye blue monday… my return to the middle class

Posted in nyc, Uncategorized, work with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 27, 2008 by angrygirl

black pinstripe pants… CHECK

button down doucher blouse… CHECK

shoes that aren’t sneakers… CHECK

glasses… CHECK

briefcase with no contents of general importance… CHECK

************************************************************

Ah yes, my friends, I have once again re-entered that highly sought after financial status of “not as broke”. Being that I was a “genius” in choosing to major in Fine Arts, that is QUITE an accomplishment. That, and the fact that I’ve never had the slightest interest in heroin or crappy indie rock… (see previous entry for my thoughts on indie rock)

I had worked the corporate gig a few years back. Well, sort of corporate… I never really had to dress like a douche except for meetings with clients. God I always hated those…

This job is different. I have always done more of the creative/graphic side of things, now, I’ll be doing mostly coding and other techie stuff. I’m kinda stoked. I like being one of the few female techies. I’m proud of myself for getting a traditionally male job.

So today I had to go down to my new impending job and fill out some paperwork and get a photo ID so I can enter the damn building. I felt like a republican today. I kinda looked like a Jehovah’s Witness with my dark slacks and white striped douche blouse. Perhaps I’ll post a picture of my new ID. I have my hair tied tightly back, and boy, do I look like a major douche. But hey, I’m in cognito! When I got home, I rang the doorbell instead, just to teasingly proselytize my boyfriend.

“Hey baby, how’d work go?”

“Did you hear about the Good News?”

“Huh?”

“That Jesus, Our Lord & Saviour, has died for our sins!”

::door closes::

Ha ha, kidding.

Anyhow, I definitely had a good time joking about “stock options” and “401k’s”. I gotta fit in any way I can. I made a huge mistake at my last job, being so openly rebellious and anti-corporate douchebaggery. One should never give anyone a reason to be considered a target. This time, I figure I’ll try to be one of the squares. Besides, I get to move up a tax bracket again. I can dress like a douche for the cash.

Bleh, I think I’m so smart… let’s put that to the test. If I really am as intelligent as I conceitedly think I am, I should be able to manage this new temp gig and see if it’s worth going into a permanent position. I should be able to pass off as a typical corporate slave, with a little self control in keeping my big opinionated mouth shut!

Whoa. I’ll be getting a steady paycheck again for a little while. Being a freelance artist definitely has its perks, but freelance anything means there will be rough times. There’s no avoiding that. Every once in a while, a kick ass job comes along meaning I only have to work a few months out of the year.

I hope I can maintain the discipline of the modest lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to. I truly value the freedom that goes along with sporadic employment and meager funding. Plus, when you’re broke, it’s easier to tell who your real friends are, but I digress…

It’s also been a childhood dream to be working downtown NYC’s financial district. I never dreamed that I would be working “in computers”, yet there I was this morning. Wearing snarky glasses, dressed like a douche, with briefcase in hand. One of these days, I’m going to walk up and down Wall Street, shouting into my cellphone to some imaginary call,

“I SAID SELL, GOD DAMN IT!!!”

or

“YOU’RE FIRED!!!”

Even though I’m a web designer, nobody would know anyways! Besides, I now have the douche uniform, so nobody’d suspect a thing. When in Rome…

Speaking of, I should practice my watercooler talk.

“So how about those Mets/Yankees/Knicks/Jets?”

Ugh… this shall be an interesting experiment. I like to view “work” as a means to pay for my next trip to Amsterdam, Hawaii, or where ever my heart desires. Hmm. I should buy a book on learning Dutch…

IK SPREEK GEEN NEDERLANDS!!!