Archive for father

It’s been a long time… an atheist’s thoughts on death.

Posted in life, religion with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 31, 2009 by angrygirl

How to explain my absence in a few fragments…

I got a huge design contract which kept me busy up until last month. But just before New Year’s…

My father died.

I know I’ll never be the same. I’m sure that joy will be able to break through my sorrow eventually, but for now…

See, this is where I envy the religious. For them, it’s not over. For them, there’s this great big reunion and everything is made right in the end. But that’s just not how things work. Believe me, if there was ever a time that I wished heaven existed, it would be now.

But even in my lowest lows, I just can’t force myself to believe. Never could. Look, I didn’t choose to be an atheist, I was simply born this way. This isn’t some attention thing, or some type of rebelling, I’m just being honest with myself. I’m not saying that theists are not being honest with themselves, what’s true to one, is not necessarily true to another. What I mean is that you either believe or you don’t. You can lie and say you believe all you want, but if you doubt it, I’m sorry brother, but you’re one of us then.

I came across a people magazine article yesterday quoting Denzel Washington on John Travolta. Travolta’s son died around the same time my father did and it made me feel better knowing that someone else was still struggling with a loved one’s death. Perhaps I had been too hard on myself? Or I have a selfish bitch of an ex-friend that thought her wedding engagement is more important than my father having died, literally hours before… but that’s another story and I digress.

Anyhow, this is what struck me though. Like, why do theists get upset over death if they believe in places like heaven? I understand the shock thing, but its not final for them. For me, one of the most difficult things to accept is that I will never see my father again. I will never talk to him again, we’ll never watch The McLaughlin Group together again, he’ll never get to walk me down the aisle… he can’t peak down from heaven to check up on me either. He’s dead. And that’s it. But theists… they have heaven. They have gods and all sorts of fun stuff. They have the grand reunion. Ultimate closure.

I don’t understand how death could be so upsetting to them. I’m not trying to be a dick, I just honestly don’t understand. It’s only a temporary thing from that frame of mind, right? If it’s temporary, then there’s still something left. There’s still something there. I swear I’m not mocking! Damn, I would be so grateful if that actually was the case. I would even be happy for the lucky guy that gets to escape this strange state of existence we call “life”. Whatever that means…

All I know, is that we are so so small. Watch Carl Sagan’s Cosmos. We are really small. And we’re only here for such a small amount of time. Life, as we know it, has only existed during the last slice of history. We are barely a blip in the entirety of the cosmos.

The universe is so massive, we really do appear insignificant. But at least we’re a part of it. I know that my molecular material is the same stuff that makes stars. And that goes for everyone here. Even assholes like Rush Limbaugh and Dick Chen have the same elemental make-up.

I suppose that’s comforting… somehow? Maybe i’d feel warmer and fuzzier if I didn’t have a mental image of Limbaugh…

meh,