Archive for daily living

It’s been a long time… an atheist’s thoughts on death.

Posted in life, religion with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 31, 2009 by angrygirl

How to explain my absence in a few fragments…

I got a huge design contract which kept me busy up until last month. But just before New Year’s…

My father died.

I know I’ll never be the same. I’m sure that joy will be able to break through my sorrow eventually, but for now…

See, this is where I envy the religious. For them, it’s not over. For them, there’s this great big reunion and everything is made right in the end. But that’s just not how things work. Believe me, if there was ever a time that I wished heaven existed, it would be now.

But even in my lowest lows, I just can’t force myself to believe. Never could. Look, I didn’t choose to be an atheist, I was simply born this way. This isn’t some attention thing, or some type of rebelling, I’m just being honest with myself. I’m not saying that theists are not being honest with themselves, what’s true to one, is not necessarily true to another. What I mean is that you either believe or you don’t. You can lie and say you believe all you want, but if you doubt it, I’m sorry brother, but you’re one of us then.

I came across a people magazine article yesterday quoting Denzel Washington on John Travolta. Travolta’s son died around the same time my father did and it made me feel better knowing that someone else was still struggling with a loved one’s death. Perhaps I had been too hard on myself? Or I have a selfish bitch of an ex-friend that thought her wedding engagement is more important than my father having died, literally hours before… but that’s another story and I digress.

Anyhow, this is what struck me though. Like, why do theists get upset over death if they believe in places like heaven? I understand the shock thing, but its not final for them. For me, one of the most difficult things to accept is that I will never see my father again. I will never talk to him again, we’ll never watch The McLaughlin Group together again, he’ll never get to walk me down the aisle… he can’t peak down from heaven to check up on me either. He’s dead. And that’s it. But theists… they have heaven. They have gods and all sorts of fun stuff. They have the grand reunion. Ultimate closure.

I don’t understand how death could be so upsetting to them. I’m not trying to be a dick, I just honestly don’t understand. It’s only a temporary thing from that frame of mind, right? If it’s temporary, then there’s still something left. There’s still something there. I swear I’m not mocking! Damn, I would be so grateful if that actually was the case. I would even be happy for the lucky guy that gets to escape this strange state of existence we call “life”. Whatever that means…

All I know, is that we are so so small. Watch Carl Sagan’s Cosmos. We are really small. And we’re only here for such a small amount of time. Life, as we know it, has only existed during the last slice of history. We are barely a blip in the entirety of the cosmos.

The universe is so massive, we really do appear insignificant. But at least we’re a part of it. I know that my molecular material is the same stuff that makes stars. And that goes for everyone here. Even assholes like Rush Limbaugh and Dick Chen have the same elemental make-up.

I suppose that’s comforting… somehow? Maybe i’d feel warmer and fuzzier if I didn’t have a mental image of Limbaugh…

meh,

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my apartment is on the verge of collapse…

Posted in nyc, Uncategorized with tags on August 17, 2008 by angrygirl

What’s the fucking point of yoga when your apartment is SHAKING?

God fucking damn it! I’m TRYING to fucking RELAX here! But no, the crazy landlord’s got some construction workers banging on the god damn foundation of the building with a fucking sledgehammer.

BANG

BANG

BANG

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I’m going to fucking kill someone. It keeps alternating between a sledgehammer and a jack hammer.

RAT A TAT TAT RAT A TAT TAT RAT A TAT TAT RAT A TAT TAT RAT A TAT TAT RAT A TAT TAT

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

It never ends! NEVER!!!!

part of me wants to retaliate and start clanging pots and pans, screaming anti communist propaganda, and fling feces into the freshly poured concrete. Just to make my complaint official and to be taken seriously.
but i need more ammo… perhaps some microwaved white castle burgers can get the juices flowing…
but i kid the commies…

they’ve been drilling for hours. its right outside the “bedroom” window. its vibrating the very chair i’m sitting on… and no, not in a good way.

this fucking sporadic earsplitting staccato… shits stabbing at my eardrums.

and im crazy to begin with. now i got this fucking JACKHAMMER JABBING at me.

SHUT UP! STOP IT! FUCKING STOP!!!

I never thought I would beg for the Amish to come and save the day.

Great… now he’s discovered the drill…

You know what? It fucking figures. I have the apartment to myself for the afternoon. Sunday afternoon, got no pressing deadlines (there’s ALWAYS something), brewed some ass kicking coffee, tried to meditate after an angry set of sun salutations, and some western-washed kundalini “yoga”.

And the pounding began.

::sighs::

it’s almost like some kind of warped urban ear exam. there’s the dull solid pounding of the sledgehammer… there’s the sporadic clacking of the jack hammer, and last but not least, the ear splitting drill. especially when its going thru metal.

Oh, squeak for me baby! Tear some more rips in my eardrums!

Argh. I’m gonna go cook some fucking eggs.


3 eggs, a thorough tooth brushing, a 3 ave walk to the grocery store, grocery shopping, and back…

AND THEY ARE STILL FUCKING POUNDING BANGING CLANKING DRILLING FUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!